So finally, what makes a reader’s bitch-slap hand shake more than a crack fiend looking for a fix? The list goes on and on. For me, a book missing most or ALL of the four elements I mentioned in my previous post is certainly a bitch-slap candidate. This is when I go from—give me back my money fool to—I PITY THE FOOL, because if I ever was to get my hands on the writer for wasting my time—actual days off my life, that I will never get back—even Satan will pray for them to come to hell so that they could avoid my wrath.
Other added bits to qualify a work as a piece of junk, is a book totally devoid of any discernible plot. Also books lacking in any real conflicts, or are totally “wholesome.” I’ve actually never even read that type of piece, as I’m sure they would never get published. But the dread of possibly encountering a book that is boredom, par excellence, is frightening enough. I mean even children would not want to read that. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at a few choice examples. Cinderella—a girl who has a bitch for a step-mother, and two disgusting step-sisters who turn her into a slave. To make matters worse, she’s stuck with a cheap fairy godmother, who couldn’t even get her a real coach, and instead turned a pumpkin into one, so that she ended up stranded and embarrassed just when things were heating up on the dance floor with Prince Charming. Snow White—a simple girl with no real friends, except dwarfs, who are either pissed off, stupid, or on dope. Just by existing and being cute, she manages to piss off an ugly queen, who ends up poisoning her. Little Red Riding Hood—a visually impaired child, who can’t even tell the difference between her grandmother and a wolf, and ends up getting devoured. You get the point—conflict sells!
And finally, the biggest indicator of a piece of shit book; having Fabio flagrantly displayed on the cover. Monstrosities like that should never be sold, and honestly shouldn’t even be written, not even in a secret journal. These types of writers should learn to read good books, so that they don’t end up writing crap that requires fans blowing the hair of steroid-pumped Kens, whom Barbie dumped long ago for more money and a great career.